Basically out

I tested last night and it was without a doubt negative.  Now I know you can argue it wasn't the first thing in the morning, it still could be early, no bleeding yet....blah, blah, blah.    The fact is that if my beta is positive tomorrow it's going to be so low that the pregnancy will never be viable.  This ain't my first rodeo.  Don't get me wrong, I'd do anything to be one of those "miracle" stories - I just have to be realistic.

I'm just...numb.  I didn't tell my husband yet, he was out late and I didn't feel like talking this morning.  Why bother?   I have no idea what's next.  I'm 35 in a few weeks, on the last legs of our insurance coverage, and just so tired and wounded from this whole process.  
I'll test again tomorrow morning before my beta, and I'll take that last PIO shot - but I know it's all pointless.  I've said it before, but I think what I hate most of all is knowing that because of me, my  husband never gets to be a father.

Just a few more days

9dp2dt and not much to report.  I've had cramps pretty consistently since I started PIO so I'm not counting that as a symptom.  Tired, but not outrageously so.  Each of my positive cycles came with a different set of symptoms, so I don't feel like I can read into anything.  I could probably start testing, but I think there is a small part of me that just wants to keep myself in the dark for a little longer. 
I had a wonderfully relaxing weekend with lots of time outdoors and time for meditation. It really worked wonders on bringing some focus and clarity to my head.  I also have a job interview lined up for next week - so even if this round fails, I still have something to work towards.  It's a place that I've always wanted to work, and a position that really sounds ideal for me.  I refuse to think about what would happen if I got the job AND got pregnant.  One step at a time....!  Four more days until beta....

Out of our hands

7 of 11 eggs fertilized, and we ended up with a 2-day transfer.  On Day 2, four still looked good and one was only so-so.  We transferred them all, so it's out of our hands now.  I spent the last three days at home, taking it easy and relaxing.  I was starting to go a little crazy at home, so it's back to work today and tomorrow, and then off for a long relaxing weekend.  My beta isn't until the 27th and I'm going to try to hold out until then to test.  I'll probably test at home that morning or the night before to get the results with my husband, but that's it. 
I hate feeling so helpless!  If anyone has any success tips, pass them along.  I'm willing to try anything at this point!

Retrieval

11 eggs retrieved yesterday.  I was disappointed, but my doctor was happy with it.  We did lower doses of medication for a reason - so the lower count does make sense. I didn't have the "I'm going to explode" feeling that I normally do leading up to retrieval.  This cycle has been different.   I'll get the fert report later today, and we are shooting for a day 3 transfer on Sunday.   The retrieval itself was fine.  There was some trouble with the IV, but once the anaesthesiologist took over from the nurse, things improved. I can tell that I'm in for some serious bruising though.
I know that I haven't been very good about blogging lately, but I haven't felt like there is anything new to share.  It's the same old story.  I'm just hoping that I get a different ending, but I honestly can't picture it.  

Zero to sixty

IVF #4 is underway.  AF finally showed up the same day my doctor called in prescription,  more than a month after my last bw showed I was about to ovulate.  We were up against a tight window of time, since my clinic shuts down for two weeks in late July/early August AND there was a chance I was going to be out of town for day 2 and 3. Crisis averted.
I'm on Day 4 of stims, no lu.pron, no bc pills (yaaa!).   It's a crazy, crazy time at work but I'm trying to keep my stress level down.  I'm putting myself first this cycle and will probably take more time off around transfer than I normally do.  It could be our last chance and I don't want to have any regrets or worries that I could have done something differently to make it a success.
I've also applied for a new job - I've been with my current company for thirteen years and I feel like it is time to move on. I've also put the rest of my life on hold the last three years, and I'm realizing now how unhappy I've let myself become.  Time to snap out of it.    I don't expect the hiring process at this new place will go very quickly, so I should be able to get through this cycle before any intereviews, etc. For now it's enough to know that my resume is up to date and submitted, and I'm under consideration.  I"m not even going to let myself think about what would happen if this cycle worked AND I got the new job.  With my history, I don't think I'll believe we'll end up with a baby until he or she is home and in my arms.
So, that's that.  Follis.tim at a lower starting dose (150iu) and my first u/s + bw tomorrow morning. Acupuncture this afternoon.  The funny thing is that even though it's only Day 4 and my doses are lower, I feel like I have more side effects than usual.  It's always something, I guess.

A quick update

Since I'm supposed to be working, I'll go with a few quick bullets.  I'm hoping the few of you that may be left won't mind!

• Started weekly acupuncture again.  I LOVE it. How I wish it wasn't so freaking expensive. 
• Signed up for a 14 day juice cleanse (not as restrictive as it sounds, I'll be eating plenty of real food but sticking to veggies, fruits, etc.  Basically eating VERY cleanly - no animal protein, sugar, caffeine, gluten or dairy.  I love me some carbs, but I also have always had this suspicion that cleaning up my diet could help. Even just to bring back some balance to the way I look and feel, and hopefully clear up my skin.  This seems like a good jump start to change my habits.  I could have signed up for 21 days, but that's leading into my anniversary and we're thinking that we might go wild and actually celebrate this year. 
• Had my initial blood work and u/s to get insurance approvals for IVF#4.  All set on that end, so now I'm just waiting on CD1.   I had to take progesterone to bring on my last period to get that testing done.  I went in for blood work today to see where I am at my cycle in terms of ovulating - CD25ish.  I expected to hear that I had not ovulated and would need to decide to wait it out or take more meds. Imagine my surprise when the nurse called back with the results and i'm actually having an LH surge.  So who knows -- we'll try for a miracle.  That would be absolutely amazing.  I know there is very little hope, but there is a tiny piece of me that feels like we would have a chance.
• So, um a 14 day cleanse on top of a 2ww and two MAJOR projects at work.  This will either be the most relaxed cycle because I won't be able to focus on it - or it will be a disaster because I will be a giant mess.   Stay with me while we find out, won't you?

A plan

The meeting with the RE went ok -  it was actually exactly like our meeting before IVF#3, but without the mention of donor eggs.  Basically, we'll give IVF one more shot - similar protocol, slightly lower dosages and a transfer of up to six embryos. It's a new year, so we have to repeat the normal blood work and tests before we start.  I'm currently at CD49 - undecided as to if I'll wait it out or use progesterone - they left that up to me.  I'm so close to that magic 35 when everything goes downhill (ha - this could be worse??).   I feel like we need to rush, but if this is our last IVF I want to take it slowly to make sure I've done everything I can to make this work. I've been making some adjustments to my diet in terms of balance, and I'm signed up for a 5k at the end of May and a 3.5 miler at the end of June.  Nothing major, but events on the calendar that will hopefully get my off the couch.  (Particularly because they involve co-workers - that HAS to motivate me not to humiliate myself, right?)
My RE seems as frustrated as we are -- but he also isn't offering anything new.  If that doesn't work, he is recommending that we try IVM - no drugs at all.  From time to time I wonder if I should go get a second opinion, but I don't know if it would make any difference.   It was funny to be back in the office, greeting the staff and nurses like it was the first day of school.    Thanks for sticking with me, friends.  I promise to make these posts more interesting when I get back into the swing of things!