One more week (5dp3dt)

Time is slowly passing - one more week until beta day. I'm still sticking to my decision not to test at home. It's funny, the first few days I swore that it had worked and things were happening. Yesterday and today -- not so much.  I can't sort out my symptoms.  Could be PMS, could be crinone, could be implantation....  I just don't have any trust in my body anymore.  I have found myself having more conversations with my husband about an actual future with a baby/babies.  After our first loss, we were both so cautious.  But I think seeing every step of the process the way you do with IVF can't help but bring hope.   I know that plenty of women don't have success on the first try, but I would be happy if we were part of the lucky group that does. (Nice of me to state the obvious, eh?)
No word yet on our remaining embryos - I'll have to call today to see if any of them made it to freeze.  I'll be surprised if they did - it didn't sound promising.

What I *really* need to do soon is improve my focus at work.  I've been so distracted lately (the last year and a half, but who's counting...) and I my work is suffering.  Maybe not so much that others can notice, but I notice and I hate not feeling as on top of things. 

It's out of my hands

Transfer yesterday - two on board - an 8 cell and a 4 cell.  Three had already stopped developing, and they'll watch the other three to see if they'll freeze, but the doctor didn't seem very optimistic.  The procedure itself was absolutely fine - the word "textbook" was thrown around more than once.   The doctor and the ultrasound tech kept talking about how flawless it was, and how they wish all procedures could be like that.  That gave me hope.  But of course, looking on the interwebs for success rates and cell #s has me kind of depressed already.  No more Dr. Google for me.   We also learned that my left ovary just won't be reachable for any future IVF attempts because of it's position in relation to some veins, so it's all up to righty.  Of course, I'm hoping with every fiber of my being that this is our time and we won't need to do another IVF.    I just feel so helpless right now.  As the Dr. said, we've done everything that we can at this point and what will be will be -- of course, I take that to mean that it's all on me now.   If this fails, it will be because of my body.  I know it's been my problems all along, but this process makes it hit home a little more. 
I've already decided not to POAS this cycle.  I'm going to do my best to wait it out.  June 7th can't get here fast enough!

Hard to believe.

I don't want to get excited, but this may actually be happening.  I had my egg retrieval yesterday.  They were able to get 7 from my right and only 1 from my left.  The position of lefty wasn't good, so they had to go in through my lower abdomen - I was kind of groggy when they explained it, so I don't even know the specifics.  I was a little surprised that they only got 8 - but I just got the call that all 8 fertilized!  Transfer on Thursday (my program does 3-day unless they think there is some benefit to 5.)   I'm dragging today, trying to balance being back at work, taking the pain med on a full stomach but my antibiotic on an empty stomach, day 1 of Crin.one, and being generally very distracted.  I'm kind of a mess.  But it will all be worth it - I hope!  One day at a time....

*tap..tap* Is this thing on?

I can't believe it's been three weeks since my last post.  Work has really been kicking my ass...in a way, it's good because this cycle has been flying by - but still...work has really been kicking my ass.  We're still on track as far as IVF#1 goes.  I'm on Day 8 of stims (Gonal-F) and still taking Lupron every morning.  I go in tomorrow for another u/s and bloodwork.  Yesterday, my nurse thought we'd be doing retrieval on Monday or Tuesday, but of course she couldn't say for sure.  I seem to have a decent number of follicles, but to me they still seem on the small side.  We shall see... I've been feeling ok.  The most unusual thing for me has been the daily headaches.  Shots have been non-events - I remember the anxiety I had before my first shot during our first injectible cycle and I can't help but laugh.  Last night I had a work event and did my shot in a restaurant bathroom without a second thought.  The only thing I was worried about was the HCG shot. They gave me Novarel instead of Ovidrel this time, and I was assuming it was an IM shot, but now that I'm doing some reading it sounds like it can be subcutaneous. Sweet! Anyone else have the same experience?  That would explain why the nurse must have thought I was crazy for asking why I wasn't using Ovidrel this time - there doesn't really seem to be a difference.  Ah well - I'll worry about it when the time comes and get clear instructions then.   You all probably think I'm crazy for not having all of the details nailed down way in advance, but I think this may be the way I'm mentally coping.   Deep down I feel like this isn't really going to work anyway.  I guess we'll know one way or the other by the first week in June.  I know that lots of people have success, but it seems like there are SO many obstacles to get through.  will the eggs develop, will they get enough that are mature, will they fertilize, will they last to transfer, will they implant and make it to beta, will the betas double correctly, will I make it to the first u/s, will i make it to a second u/s....and don't even get me started on a completing a first trimester.   
On a lighter note, does anyone else use their IVF experience for some gentle emotional blackmail?  "Dear, I'm on my way to give myself my second shot of the day and my day started with an ultrasound probe in a delicate place while two med students looked on  - would you change the kitty litter?"   Good stuff.