Friday, December 9, 2011

The end.

Officially negative yesterday.  I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm regretful.  I've done everything I was "supposed" to do in life and none of it really matters.  I feel like the more than three years I've given to this process were wasted.  Trips never taken, big decisions postponed, family and friends pushed away. 
All for nothing - ending up in the same place that we started, but emotionally wrecked.   I have more to say, but I'm lacking the energy to organize my thoughts.

Happy holidays to all.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

BFN (unofficial)

Tested this morning at 10 days post transfer.  Just a single line on a pristine white background.  No hope.
Nothing hurts quite as much as a PIO shot that you know is pointless.  But I'll still do the last two and go for my official beta on Thursday to close out this cycle.
I think I'm done. The trouble is I'm not really sure how to go back to living my life without all of this.   

Monday, December 5, 2011


I haven't broken down and tested yet, but I'll either test tonight or tomorrow morning.  I'm pretty confident that it's negative.  I was awake for about two hours last night staring at the ceiling and it really sunk in that this is likely our last chance.   We could potentially give IVM a try, but there is not guarantee that I'll be a good candidate.  I'm going to be 35 - we all know where that falls on the magical curve.
I know that I won't know for sure until beta (Thursday), but I'm close to calling this one.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I haven't been blogging, but wanted to give a quick update.  We had our retrieval - 15 eggs, 12 fertilized.
We went with a day 2 transfer, and six embryos.  This sounds crazy, but only three were at the level they should be -- and nothing else made it to freeze.  So chances of getting a reality show are very very slim.
Hopefully, I still have a chance for a take home baby or two.
In general, things are ok.  I'm keeping busy, but also trying to keep my stress levels down.   We had a quiet holiday at home, I took a few days off from work on either end - and spent quality time on the couch catching up on reading and watching bad tv/movies.
Any symptoms I have right now, I'm attributing to the PIO.  The shots are not as bad as I thought.  I was told to use a 1 inch needle, which is slightly less scary.   I find that if I stand and lean slightly forward with all of my weight on the non-shot side, the pain is pretty minimal.  I don't ice ahead of time, but I massage the area with a heated washcloth for a few minutes after.   After a week, both hips are sore and starting to bruise but no painful knots.   
I don't have any tests at home and I haven't fully decided if I"ll test before beta day (Dec. 8th).  I'm leaning towards a home test because I hate getting the bad news at work.  We shall see.....  That's where I am.  Thanks for sticking with me!

Friday, November 18, 2011


Things are going well so far -- it looks like more eggs than normal, still on the small side.  I go back again tomorrow for monitoring.  My prediction is trigger Monday, retrieval Wednesday, and two day transfer on Friday.     In general, I'm feeling ok.  Bruising from the Meno.pur, these shots sting!  I'm still getting daily headaches, but nothing I can't handle. 
One thing I've noticed this round is that I am exceptionally spacey -- forgetting names, spelling errors, lack of conversational skills.  It's like a cruel joke- baby brain without baby.  I think it's partly because I just have too much going on all at once, but maybe it's the meds too.    I'm still getting acupuncture weekly, but because of the holiday next week, I won't be able to go to my practitioner for transfer.  I'm trying to decide if I should go to someone else for a single session.  I have recommendations, but I think the stress of finding someone else and getting myself there and back would be worse than delaying the procedure for a couple of days.  I'm probably going to skip it, and go on Monday.  But, part of me feels like I should make the effort because..what if?    Damn infertility, I used to be able to make decisions!

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Well, last night I sucessfully managed Folli.stim, Meno.pur, and Gan.irelix.  They stung a lot more than I anticipated, but the process itself wasn't too bad.  Luckily the Gani.relix is my only morning shot now, because I'm usually not awake enough to deal with something like Qcaps and mixing vials.
I remember when I took my first Gonal F shot and was SO SCARED.  What a joke.  The last mountain to climb will be PIO, but I'm trying not to think about it yet.   Still slow and steady progress, too early to tell when I'll have retrieval, but we're potentially looking at Tuesday or Wednesday. 
I finished my shots last night, retreated to the couch and *bam* - pregnancy announcement.  From this couple who got married a year after us.  This is their second. I'm trying to figure out how I can avoid her for the next year or so......
I'm also 99% sure that a coworker is pregnant -- she's been making a lot of thinly veiled comments about doctor appointments, cutting back on exercise etc.  Either come out with it or keep it to yourself, lady. 

I'm struggling with the emotional side of this -- on one hand, I'm just over it.  I don't think it's going to work and I'm going through the motions.  But I still have a little flicker of hope -- a little voice saying "what if".

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Bad blogger (Stims, Day 6)

Hello out there - not sure if I have anyone left, as I've been a very bad blogger.  Things have been exceptionally busy at work and with travel.  October flew by.  I'm currently on Day 6 of stims for IVF#3, our last.  Monitoring yesterday showed slow progress, but it's early.  I go back tomorrow.
I've been going to acupuncture weekly and really enjoying it.  I don't know if it is helping, but I do find it relaxing and I love my practitioner.  Of course, I broke down and cried in her office last week - so she might not love me back.  I broke out the Circle+Bloom and it still puts me to sleep.  I think it's just an automatic reaction to her voice and I can't seem to fight it.  Still counts as relaxation, right?  
 I've been feeling pretty sad and weepy - I had chalked it up to the bcp, but I'm still feeling it.  I just don't have confidence and sometimes it all seems so overwhelming that I just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head.  
Anyhow -- I'm trucking along slow and steady.    I get out of bed and stay busy.   And hopefully by this time next week, we'll be gearing up for retrieval.

Friday, October 14, 2011

A plan

First, and most importantly - sending love and support to MissConception, who is suffering through a devastating loss.  So unfair that anyone should have to go through this.


It looks like I'm down to my last two chances.  We met with our doctor (Dr. B) this week and it all comes down to the fact that my eggs are shite.  We ended up with twice as many eggs in IVF#2 but we still had the same result at transfer, and nothing made it to freeze.  He flat out said it would be irresponsible to keep trying the same way.  So we are going to do one more cycle with an antagonist protocol (no lupron! yaaa! PIO shots! boooo....) this year.  Because of some travel and an expiring insurance authorization, we're looking at a potential transfer the day before or the day of Thanksgiving.  Sorry to ruin your holiday nurses and doctors!  Score one for us for not driving anywhere for the holiday - just need some excuses to avoid family obligations.  The biggest change is that we are going to do a Day 2 transfer of up to SIX embryos.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous at all, but I also have faith in my doctor.  He's been doing this a lot of years and feels very strongly about avoiding multiples. Clearly we've tried everything else and aren't getting anywhere.  There is no way they would do this transfer if they thought I'd end up with triplets or more....
If this fails, our last chance is something called IVM.  This was completely new to me -- no stims at all.  They harvest the eggs while they are immature and mature them in the lab - then fertilize and (hopefully) transfer.  This would have to be done at a hospital in a different city (also affiliated with my same program) and with a different doctor.  The first article on IVM that was spit out by Dr. Google referenced the very program and quoted the very doctor that was recommended to us.  I take that as a good sign. Dr. B. would need to officially present my case to be approved in this program, but my insurance still should cover it.  If they don't, the costs are half of what is involved with IVF since there are no meds - so I think we'd try it.
Then he brought up donor eggs.  And I cried. 
I know it's a wonderful option and the statistics are so good - but I'm just not there yet. 
So that's where we are -- I've got my first acupuncture appointment set up, popping BCPs, baseline set for Nov 7th and a potential Thanksgiving on my couch - just the 10 of us -- one husband, one wife, two cats, and six embryos....  the classic American holiday.  Having a plan with something DIFFERENT makes me feel better.  I also think there is some relief in knowing that one way or another, this won't be dragging out for much longer.  Yes, we'll have some tough decisions to make - but I"m looking forward to being out of limbo.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Seeking input

Now that IVF#2 is officially over (negative beta today), it's time to start thinking about what to do going forward.  We do have approval for another cycle from our insurance so I don't feel like I can quit. Coverage is such a blessing, I don't want to waste it.  I also was awake at 3am the other night, and started looking at adoption websites. Since I practically had a panic attack just from reading about the process, I don't think I'm there yet.  
The trick will be timing  - technically the approval runs out in mid-December, which means no break.  They can try to ask for an extension, but I have a bad feeling about trying to schedule something like this in two benefit years.   The other trick is relying on my natural cycle, there really is no telling on when CD1 would be.  So, I think I'm going to go right onto BCP so we can control when to start again, and meet with the doctor to see what he recommends.  At the very least, I want to add acupuncture to my plan.  For those of you who have done it, do you think it helps? How often to do you go?  How did you go about finding a provider? I live in a metropolitan area, so there is a lot of choice.  But I have no idea how to find someone who is "good"....  I'm trying not to think about how I'm going to schedule another appointment into my already crazy schedule.  One step at a time.....

Monday, October 3, 2011


I tested this morning (10dp3dt) and there wasn't even the slightest hint of a second line. Sure, beta is in two days and since I'm not bleeding (yet) there could still be a chance, but I don't feel it.  I'm not sure where we go from here. Three years ago we started actively trying on our own. Two years ago we started with our RE, thinking this was only going to take a matter of months.   At this point last year we had just done our second-to-last IUI that ended in m/c #2.  I can't believe another year had passed, and we're still in the same place.  I think it's time to stop, but I've focused on this for so long I think I've forgotten how to live my life without it.

ETA -- The fastest way to bring on AF is certainly to take a pregnancy test.  Cue cramps and bleeding.  I'm calling this one - IVF#2 is officially over.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Nothing exciting to report, but I thought I'd check in.
If you asked me yesterday if this worked, I would have said yes -- but today I feel like there is no chance. I figure that's about right for halfway through the 2ww.  Any "symptoms" that I'm feeling can be attributed to the, so no help there. One more week to go until beta day.  I'm in the middle of two major projects at work, which is helping the time go faster but not helping with my stress levels!  

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Two on board (2dp3dt)

We ended up with a three-day transfer on Friday-- the best two were an eight-cell (right on target) and a five-cell (but "perfectly formed" according to my doctor).  There were still five others that were developing, but it doesn't look like any of them will make it to freeze.  So, we're pretty much where we were for IVF #1.  IF we go for another cycle, it will be a fresh one. 
The itself transfer went very smoothly.  I had the last doctor in my practice that I still had to meet - she's the head of the whole department and the u/s tech couldn't say enough good things about her.  She did comment on my fancy socks, so that's a point in her favor.  I like my efforts to dress up to be noticed.....
This clinic is pretty funny -- the last time I talked to my own doctor was in June for my wtf meeting after our first cycle.  All communication goes through the nurses - but I've developed good relationships with both of them.  In general, I'm happy there and I like the routine.  Which isn't to say I'll be more than happy to kick them all to the curb and move to an OB. 
So I've taken it easy the last few days. Not really sure what to think -- I had high hopes when we got so many eggs - but it is what it is.  I'll just take it one day at a time.  I have lots going on at work and plans with old friends for next weekend, so the time until Oct. 5th should fly by.  I'll test at home the day before so I'm not caught completely off-guard at work by beta results, but not before then.  Let the symptom watch begin!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

And then there were 15...

I got the call - 15 are still in the running!   I'm feeling cautiously optimistic -which is a new feeling for me.  Normally my clinic does Day 3 transfers and I was expecting to transfer on Friday. Instead, they are going to watch our development and make the call tomorrow afternoon.  If they are still doing well, we may push it out to Day 5 (Sunday).  I'm nervous about either scenario, but I need to trust my doctor and know that they'll make the right call.  I think I'd prefer that nothing makes it to transfer than deal with a 2ww and another unhappy ending.  (Easy for me to say now, I know.)
So that's the update -- off to try to actually be productive at work.  Must focus & stay away from google!  

Lucky 17

17 eggs! From both ovaries - no issues reaching either.  I had set my expectations to only the right side, and a number similar to IVF#1 - so I'm happy with this outcome.  Of course, I won't know fertilization until later today, but for now I'm just happy that we seem to have improved our chances.  My favorite ultrasound tech checked up on my after retrieval and actually did a happy dance when she heard my number.  I love that I'm so comfortable with the crew at my doctor's office, even if it kind of sucks that they know me so well. We have a long relationship.
Retrieval went well - no issues.  I declined pain medication when I first woke up, but regretted that decision within ten minutes.  Luckily, they brought the anesthesiologist back and he worked his magic. Don't be a hero, take the drugs ladies!  I'm still sore today, but already significantly better than yesterday.  I think the key (for me) is remembering to get up and walk around for a few minutes every so often.  Staying in one position for a long time makes it much worse when I have to get up.
So that's where I am - no more shots for me, just Ick-but better than PIO, right?
Will post again when I get the report....fingers crossed!

Monday, September 19, 2011


We're moving ahead -- triggered last night, retrieval schedule for bright and early tomorrow morning.  I had a tough weekend with my hometown visit cut short by the need to go back in for unexpected blood work.  I'm tired of making up excuses and canceling plans and pissing people off who don't know that it's for a good reason.  But I also don't like talking about this -- I'm never good with sharing people just don't understand it.  I visited with newly pregnant friend #1 - and it was harder than I thought.  Bitter infertile trying to put on a happy face while innocent preggo thinks about light-hearted things like maternity clothes and hoping she has a girl.  All I could think about was that if I'm ever in her shoes (10 weeks)- all I will be thinking about is making it to the next ultrasound.  Is my baby still alive? And how could she be buying maternity clothes already, doesn't she know this isn't a guarantee? (of course I was NOT saying any of this out loud.)
 I know that isn't healthy, but that's my reality.   And from her perspective, she doesn't understand why we don't just pursue adoption.   And when she announced that she was going to come visit for a long weekend in October, I was a little apprehensive but knew that it would be nice for us to have some time together.  Then she dropped the bomb that she'd be bringing her boyfriend (whom I haven't met) so we could all get to know each other, and they had other friends to visit in my area, and she wanted to go to a special baby store....blah, blah....  Um, Hell No.   I told her that I'd have to let her know and that I just don't know what kind of a place I'll be in - even if the cycle works, it will be still so early I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop.   She's really a good person, but all of this is so foreign to her - and since we don't live near each other she doesn't really know what I've been going through.
So I got back home early Sunday morning and spent the rest of the day on the couch catching up with nonsense TV, and crying off and on.  I'm not proud, but I think it was necessary.
OK, enough of that.  Need to focus on happier things today and getting my head into a better place for tomorrow.  I realize that every time I blog, I whine -- that wasn't my intent, I swear!   Thanks to those of you who have stuck with me - I'll try to be better about writing.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Slow and steady

Day 6 of stims and all is well.  This time has been fairly "easy" with regard to symptoms - no headaches like last time.  I'm feeling pretty calm day to day - occasionally weepy/hormonal, but nothing too crazy - due to Circle + Bloom, perhaps?  I'm also adding wheatgrass to my diet -- too soon to say if that's doing anything, but it's nice to feel like I'm taking care of myself.    Monitoring is going well - I know from last time that my left ovary is very difficult to reach during retrieval and it's unlikely they'll pull eggs from that side.  So all the pressure is on Righty.  Nothing like starting with an obstacle already in place.
Two surprise pregnancy announcements last week that left me gutted for a couple of days. Two old friends  (of four of us who were inseparable in high school, the other has three kids already)  in relationships under two years, not married, surprise pregnancies.  They are both my age - so they are happy and ready to be mothers, but I can't help but be jealous.  I put on my happy face, but it's tough.  One has no idea what I've been going through since she lives across the country and one knows the basics but not that we had our last IVF.  We have been trying since before they even met their partners.  All the medication, doctor's visits, tears, needles, painful procedures....and it's happening for other 34/35 year olds by ACCIDENT?   Whomever is pulling the strings up there must be having a good long laugh at my expense...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Feeling good

Just a quick check-in - I'm alive.  Still in the boring suppression stage of IVF, but will have my first u/s and bw tomorrow morning and we'll be getting this show on the road.  I'm feeling good (no headaches!) and - dare I say - slightly positive about this cycle.  I'm not sure what happened, but something inside me switched and I'm trying to keep it that way.  Cir.cle + is a nice touch, I look forward to spending the 15 minutes or so of quiet.  I've tried meditation in the past but my mind always wonders too much if I'm not guided.  I'm getting better at the visualization.  It's not pefect, but there has to be benefit in just sitting quietly and doing some relaxing breathing exercises every day.  Sometimes it is TOO relaxing - last night I dozed off and woke up halfway through Day 6.....oops!   So, we'll see what happens.  For now I'm feeling good and upbeat -- let's hope these positive vibes stay once I'm back no the big meds!

Friday, August 26, 2011

It's on.

I'm baaack... I wish I could say that I dropped ten pounds, had an amazing summer full of adventure, and am full of sunshine and roses just in time for IVF#2 but that's not particularly the case.  We are on track for try #2 and I did my first Lu.pron shot this morning.  Like riding a bike.....  I've been on bcp since early August and I'm sick of them....the type they give me throw me into a giant pit of despair for some reason.   I told myself I could handle it and it was temporary but it was tough.   Because we're timing this cycle around some Labor Day travel, I had to stay on the pills for a longer stretch.  Four more days to go, thank goodness.

I'm not feeling particularly positive, but I'm trying to figure out what I can do differently to make this cycle work -- thinking of circle+bloom - any thoughts on if it's worth it?  I'm stocked on raspberry leaf tea and caffeine is at a minimum - soon to be stopped entirely.   My mind is still in a funny place -- I'm accepting that it's time to start again, "back to school" if you will -- but I would be shocked if we get a baby at the end of this.  I'm just assuming we'll have the same end, take a break around the holidays and then MAYBE do another cycle in January.   It's like infertility and shots and clinic visits are my normal -- I don't know what is beyond that?   But I do know that one way or another I can't live my life like this forever.  We need to move on in one direction  or another.  The trouble is I'm not sure which one.

So that's where I'm at -- starting again, trying to stay hopeful and dealing with whatever comes along....

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


IVF #2 is in the near future, but I haven't started yet.  No AF, of course - no clue if I've ovulated.  The meds are in the fridge ready to go...everything is ready except me.  Luckily the decision will be taken out of my hands, as I'll have to time this between travels in August, over Labor Day, and early November.    So, I'll make the call and get some blood work done next week.
I haven't been blogging because I haven't had much to say.  Summer has been busy, but generally good. . The break has been nice, but the situation is never far from my mind. Due date #2 has come and gone.  I'm trying to adjust to the idea that we might be living child free.  I think I'm getting there, but I know my husband isn't ready to give up yet and would be surprised to hear that I'm thinking so seriously about it.
So, that's where I'm at -- not really happy, not really sad - just kind of numb and taking each day as it comes. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


I still haven't made the call to my RE and I keep putting it off.  I'm sure they will call me when the results from the last tests are in anyway, but at our last conversation they expected that I'd be starting bc in mid-July.   I'm thinking more and more that I want to take a little time off - maybe delay the start of the meds until mid-August.  I'm just not sure that I'm ready to jump back in, but then I hear the voice telling me I shouldn't waste any more time.  I don't know what to do.  The thought of the hormones, the needles, the blood tests, the ultrasounds, the procedures, and then the inevitable unhappy ending -- ugh.  Should I continue if I don't have any hope?  I have to get my mind in the right place - but I don't really know how. 
I have a feeling that a co-worker is going through fertility treatments.  I'd never directly ask, but the mysterious appointments, moodiness, lack of attention to the job -- I like to think I recognize the signs.  If that is the case, I do hope it works out for her - but if it does work out for her, I don't really know how I'll react. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Going about my business

Just a quick "I'm still alive" post. We've had house guests and will have family in town for the next couple of weeks so I've been busy.  Nothing to report on the TTC front since we are waiting for some genetic test results, but I think the dr still wanted to start the cycle before the results are in since the initial protocol wouldn't change.  Since I have zero idea of when CD1 will occur, I'm not sure if we'll have to wait, or if I'll go straight to the pill like last time.   I've been putting off calling in for a plan, but I'll have to get myself in gear because we have some family plans in late August / early September that we'll have to try our best to work around.  We did get insurance approval for two more cycles - I don't know if I have it in me to do two more - but we'll see what happens.  Physically, the whole process was much easier than I thought.  But the ups and downs are so tough mentally. I'm feeling so much better after just a couple of weeks of no meds (except for the trusty met.formin) and not going back and forth to the hospital for blood tests!   So, I'm taking this time to try to adjust my diet a bit, even though my blood sugar levels were in the normal range.   I know that I'd see better results with more drastic changes like completely cutting carbs or dropping dairy, but I'm going slow and steady and trying to be better about combinations and increasing protein.
That's it for now - nothing exciting, just taking it day by day and trying to enjoy summer a bit.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I get it universe, pt 2.

Beta #1 - 24, Beta #2 - 6.  So officially another loss and it looks like a very short stay in beta hell for once.  I have a follow up meeting with my doctor on Monday morning.  I'm very interested in what he's going to suggest.  I know his miscarriage speech, but I'm curious if he's still confident that we can do this with my (apparently) crappy eggs.  Or if there is something else going on and my body just won't sustain a pregnancy.   I'm trying to let go and focus on the positives - or slightly less negatives -- about my situation.
There has been some awful, awful news out in blogland this week and my heart is breaking for these ladies.  It puts this loss in perspective.  So many people are dealing with so much more, I hardly have the right to complain.  I'm sad, but glad that this happened quickly if it was going to happen at all.  My wedding anniversary was this week and I'm happy to have my husband at my side through all of this -- I want more than anything to make him a father, but I know that we'll make it regardless of what happens.  
 I ended up confessing to my boss this week because she flat out asked me what was going on - she could tell something was up and she was concerned. I was so worn out I didn't have it in me to try to make up any more excuses.   She was incredibly supportive and I do think that will make it easier if we do pursue more treatments.  She also suggested that I might be too stressed and we should relax and go away more, and by the way adoption is a wonderful choice..... sigh.  But her heart was in the right place.  She even said she'd support a leave of absence if that's what it took.  I don't really want to do that, but I hope she remembers that if we ever get a take home baby - I'm going to want to stretch that maternity leave as much as I possibly can.   And so I'll move forward - throw myself into gardening this weekend, drink some good wine and focus on getting our house ready in light of my in-law's sudden "We're coming into town on June 22nd and staying with you for a week" announcement.   Ugh.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I get it, universe.

Warning: I'm wallowing, this isn't pretty.  But this is the only space I have to let it out - so that's what I'm doing.  If you're one of the lucky ones who got their good news already - please know that I really am happy for you - I'm just in a tough spot right now.

The bleeding picked up, so now I'm just waiting for the beta(s) to confirm what I already know.  I'm assuming it's chemical.  Haven't had one of those yet, so why not - right?  The tech who drew my blood? pregnant.  The cashier in my cafeteria? very pregnant.   The spider that lives in the corner of my bathroom ceiling?  egg sac.  I'm not kidding - that's how absurd my life has become.   (memo to self - must remove the spider immediately).
I'm not really sure what we'll do next.  At this point, I'm just hoping to make it through the workday without breaking down. There are a lot of thoughts swirling around my head, but no plan.  I'll be 34 in August.  We had nothing to freeze, so we'd need to start the whole process again.  My life has been revolving around this for years.  My husband might not be a father because of me - I think that's the hardest thing for me to accept. 

Monday, June 6, 2011

Longest day ever

Well, after my optimistic start to the day - mother nature decided to step in and send me back to reality.  I've had pretty intense cramps and bleeding/spotting all day today.  Even though I know there is nothing I can do, I left work so I could at least be laying down this afternoon.   I took another test and the line is even lighter than yesterday.  I KNOW that it's not ideal to test in the afternoon, and I KNOW that the blood test is what will really tell us what's going on - but I still feel like this is slipping away.  Ironically, I never had any cramping or bleeding with either of my last miscarriages - it was the ultrasounds that gave us the final answer.  But last time I had low betas that never quite doubled, and we were in limbo until the ultrasound at the seven week mark.  (Delayed because of a planned vacation - Dis.ney with 10 members of your extended family pretending that nothing is amiss, but treating your body like you were pregant even though you are pretty sure that the pregnancy is doomed? Not fun.) 
 But I digress - after the procedure, it still was a good six weeks until I got a negative beta. 
I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this if it happens again.   I guess I'll just take it as it comes.

I gave in

I tried to hold out to beta day, but I couldn't do it.  I POAS yesterday, at 10dp3dt.  Sorry, not picture -- but you'll have to take my word for it that we got the faint second line.  I've been here before so I know this is only the first step in a number of hurdles.  I had a whole post planned about how infertility and loss takes the joy out of these events.  But when I check my reader this morning, the first post that came up was from Lady Pumpkin -- and I realized that I need to follow her lead and say "Today I get to be pregnant."
I'm still in the game and I'm pretty happy.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

No pressure, little ones.

I found out today that none of our other embryos made it to freeze.  I'm not entirely surprised, since the doctor didn't sound to enthusiastic on transfer day, but I'm still sad about it.  So - I'm putting my eggs all in one basket (see what I did there?) -- but it's hard to stay positive.    I know I can't rely on "symptoms" especially since we're only at day 6, but if you asked me today - I'd say there is no chance.  I'm getting all my usual pms symptoms - giant unsightly blemishes? check.  Extreme hunger, particularly for salty snacks? check.  bloat? check.  mood swings? CHECK. 
I so want this to be it, but I'm just not feeling very positive.

I'm telling myself that the silence lately is because of the evil commenting issues, but if you are reading this - I'd love it if you'd send some good vibes my way.  I'm needing them today.    Know that I'm thinking of all of you too!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

One more week (5dp3dt)

Time is slowly passing - one more week until beta day. I'm still sticking to my decision not to test at home. It's funny, the first few days I swore that it had worked and things were happening. Yesterday and today -- not so much.  I can't sort out my symptoms.  Could be PMS, could be crinone, could be implantation....  I just don't have any trust in my body anymore.  I have found myself having more conversations with my husband about an actual future with a baby/babies.  After our first loss, we were both so cautious.  But I think seeing every step of the process the way you do with IVF can't help but bring hope.   I know that plenty of women don't have success on the first try, but I would be happy if we were part of the lucky group that does. (Nice of me to state the obvious, eh?)
No word yet on our remaining embryos - I'll have to call today to see if any of them made it to freeze.  I'll be surprised if they did - it didn't sound promising.

What I *really* need to do soon is improve my focus at work.  I've been so distracted lately (the last year and a half, but who's counting...) and I my work is suffering.  Maybe not so much that others can notice, but I notice and I hate not feeling as on top of things. 

Friday, May 27, 2011

It's out of my hands

Transfer yesterday - two on board - an 8 cell and a 4 cell.  Three had already stopped developing, and they'll watch the other three to see if they'll freeze, but the doctor didn't seem very optimistic.  The procedure itself was absolutely fine - the word "textbook" was thrown around more than once.   The doctor and the ultrasound tech kept talking about how flawless it was, and how they wish all procedures could be like that.  That gave me hope.  But of course, looking on the interwebs for success rates and cell #s has me kind of depressed already.  No more Dr. Google for me.   We also learned that my left ovary just won't be reachable for any future IVF attempts because of it's position in relation to some veins, so it's all up to righty.  Of course, I'm hoping with every fiber of my being that this is our time and we won't need to do another IVF.    I just feel so helpless right now.  As the Dr. said, we've done everything that we can at this point and what will be will be -- of course, I take that to mean that it's all on me now.   If this fails, it will be because of my body.  I know it's been my problems all along, but this process makes it hit home a little more. 
I've already decided not to POAS this cycle.  I'm going to do my best to wait it out.  June 7th can't get here fast enough!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Hard to believe.

I don't want to get excited, but this may actually be happening.  I had my egg retrieval yesterday.  They were able to get 7 from my right and only 1 from my left.  The position of lefty wasn't good, so they had to go in through my lower abdomen - I was kind of groggy when they explained it, so I don't even know the specifics.  I was a little surprised that they only got 8 - but I just got the call that all 8 fertilized!  Transfer on Thursday (my program does 3-day unless they think there is some benefit to 5.)   I'm dragging today, trying to balance being back at work, taking the pain med on a full stomach but my antibiotic on an empty stomach, day 1 of, and being generally very distracted.  I'm kind of a mess.  But it will all be worth it - I hope!  One day at a time....

Thursday, May 19, 2011

*tap..tap* Is this thing on?

I can't believe it's been three weeks since my last post.  Work has really been kicking my a way, it's good because this cycle has been flying by - but has really been kicking my ass.  We're still on track as far as IVF#1 goes.  I'm on Day 8 of stims (Gonal-F) and still taking Lupron every morning.  I go in tomorrow for another u/s and bloodwork.  Yesterday, my nurse thought we'd be doing retrieval on Monday or Tuesday, but of course she couldn't say for sure.  I seem to have a decent number of follicles, but to me they still seem on the small side.  We shall see... I've been feeling ok.  The most unusual thing for me has been the daily headaches.  Shots have been non-events - I remember the anxiety I had before my first shot during our first injectible cycle and I can't help but laugh.  Last night I had a work event and did my shot in a restaurant bathroom without a second thought.  The only thing I was worried about was the HCG shot. They gave me Novarel instead of Ovidrel this time, and I was assuming it was an IM shot, but now that I'm doing some reading it sounds like it can be subcutaneous. Sweet! Anyone else have the same experience?  That would explain why the nurse must have thought I was crazy for asking why I wasn't using Ovidrel this time - there doesn't really seem to be a difference.  Ah well - I'll worry about it when the time comes and get clear instructions then.   You all probably think I'm crazy for not having all of the details nailed down way in advance, but I think this may be the way I'm mentally coping.   Deep down I feel like this isn't really going to work anyway.  I guess we'll know one way or the other by the first week in June.  I know that lots of people have success, but it seems like there are SO many obstacles to get through.  will the eggs develop, will they get enough that are mature, will they fertilize, will they last to transfer, will they implant and make it to beta, will the betas double correctly, will I make it to the first u/s, will i make it to a second u/s....and don't even get me started on a completing a first trimester.   
On a lighter note, does anyone else use their IVF experience for some gentle emotional blackmail?  "Dear, I'm on my way to give myself my second shot of the day and my day started with an ultrasound probe in a delicate place while two med students looked on  - would you change the kitty litter?"   Good stuff.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Monday again...

Thank you for all of the ICLW visits! I need to step up my posting frequency, but I feel like I'm pretty boring these days.
Nothing like a gloomy Monday after a nice weekend.  Yesterday was gorgeous weather-wise, sunny and warm.  We hosted brunch for my husband's family and a good time was had by all.  Nobody in his family likes to cook, so they are always happy for us to host any gatherings.  And I love not having to drive anywhere - win-win!  It also doesn't hurt that I can make simple things and they act like I should be on the next round of T.op Ch.ef.  Quite an ego boost.
I took my last bcp yesterday, and it's Lupron only until my first u/s on May 9th.  I thought the wait would be driving me crazy but it's been so busy I haven't had much time to dwell.  Not much in the way of side effects yet.  Last night I had trouble sleeping because I was so hot - but not exactly hot flashes. I've also been eating non-stop.  I don't know what's causing that - but I think it's mental or stress-related.  It doesn't seem like two weeks of pills could really mess with me that much.    I know the world won't end if I gain a few pounds but it's so hard for me to lose I really don't want that to happen.  I still have a few pairs of pants that I haven't been able to fit into since we started treatments.
Sorry for the whine, folks -- I'm still happy to have this chance and I'll wear muumuus every day if it means this cycle will work!

Thursday, April 21, 2011


Welcome if you are here from ICLW - I'm looking forward to finding some great new blogs.  I love this community and the support that I've gotten here. I honestly don't know where I would be without it!  We're currently in the process of IVF #1.  I have a few more days of BCP and started Lupron injections yesterday.   My baseline u/s is scheduled for May 9th, and then I'll be starting with my old friend Gonal-F.  No issues with my shots so far - I think it's easier doing them first thing in the morning.  I'm not awake enough to be nervous.  I have a busy few weeks coming up at work so time will be passing quickly.  I even have a business trip to the West Coast for the first time in years - any recommendations on flying with Lupron?  Luckily I'm able to schedule it before I start stims & regular ultrasounds.  I think my boss is wondering why I'm rushing it, but I'm not telling her anything.  I'm nervous about handling missing work with the retrieval and transfer, but I'll deal with that when it comes.  I have plenty of sick time and the ability to work from home, but I do NOT want to reveal any of this to my boss.  She's not very supportive of working moms (even though she has two sons herself and worked while raising them) -- it's really frustrating.   Anyhow, those are my ramblings for today.  So far so good -- glad for the weekend coming up.  We're hosting my husband's family for Easter - must remember to remove the meds from the fridge!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Well, it's on.  I'm on day three of birth control, start Lupron on the 20th, and stims probably on or around May 6th.  I have the retail value of about $4000 in fertility meds in my crisper.  (Thank you insurance!) I'm still kind of apprehensive, but I couldn't not try if this was given to us as an option.   I have to laugh when I hear about other bloggers' IVF consults, orientation programs, and written plans.  I have a box of meds that came in the mail, and my scribbled notes from my phone call with the nurse.  I'm not worried about it - but it makes me wonder why it's done so differently at my place. 
I don't know if it's the hormones (why do I get the feeling I'll be saying that a lot over the next 6-8 weeks??) but I'm in a pretty blah spot right now.  My weekend away kind of backfired.  It made me realize that I've sort of outgrown this particular friend.  We're just too different now.  Maybe it's what I've been through the last few years -- it changes you and the contrast is much more evident when you see someone from 'before'. The very things that I used to think were so great about her were incredibly annoying to me.  I'm sorry if this doesn't really make sense, but I'm just too drained to get into it fully.  I will say that I came back with an even greater appreciation for what I do have in life, so that's something.  I also came back with sunburn. You can't win 'em all.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Starting up again...

I got word today that our insurance approval came through. I'm on CD30 today, but I haven't been tracking anything so I have no idea if I ovulated.  I've never been one to get O pains of any sort.  My skin is starting to break out which is usually a major PMS symptom.   I'm going in for blood work tomorrow to see if I wait this out or break out the Provera.  My (not favorite) nurse, who has only been with the practice a few months, kept asking me about how long my cycles usually are, etc.  I couldn't make her understand that I really have no idea.  I've spent the last 14 months on some sort of fertility drug, pregnant, or waiting for my betas to drop.  Before that I was adjusting my diet and introducing metformin.  I have no clue what a non-medicated cycle should be and my RE told me not to bother with temps when I first started seeing him.  If I did know what my "typical" cycle would be, I might not be in this spot. 
I know that I should have a million more questions to ask my doctor, but right now I'm just taking it as it comes.  I know I should be excited, but I'm kind of numb.  Don't get me wrong - I am very happy to have this opportunity, but I'm also dreading it at the same time.   Maybe it's time to give in the universe and just accept that this isn't meant to be.
On a happier note, I just booked a completely frivolous last-minute weekend getaway to see a friend down south.  Maybe some sunshine and beach time will help. 

Friday, March 25, 2011

Ho hum.

I've been quiet because I haven't had much to say.  On the TTC front, we're waiting for the RE's office to get insurance approval for us to start with IVF.  It's been a week since we finished all of our testing, so I'm hoping to hear any day.   I'm pretty sure that we're going to have to wait until my next cycle unless we hear TODAY, but I'm ok with that.   I just hope this cycle doesn't drag out.  One never knows....
Otherwise, things are just chugging along. I've barely been home lately, between work and rushing to fit in a yoga class to meet my 40 day challenge - it's a nice distraction and I love how I feel with regular exercise. The scale isn't budging, but I'm trying not to focus on that.  
A co-worker announced his wife's pregnancy this week.  They decided it was time for second, and *bam* conception.  That's how it is supposed to work right?  Of course my boss told me before he made it public - big mouth! And instantly went into all the reasons she doesn't think it's a good idea.   My job is doomed if I ever get pregnant. I've accepted that.  You'd expect more support from someone who raised two kids while working, but I think that makes her less sympathetic.  It's strange. 

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Next stop: IVF

My appointment yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind, which is usually the case.  I envy you ladies who always remember your questions and know all the details - because my mind goes blank when I'm talking to the doctor and I just agree with everything he says.  As suspected, he's recommending IVF and it could start this cycle!  I'm at day 10 now, and had most of the blood work done last week when I went in for my mandatory beta.  Permissions have all been signed.  Husband has to do another SA today and I ended up with an unexpected sonohysterogram at the end of my appointment.  (My first one - not fun, but one million times better than my HSG.) All for insurance requirements, and I was there already so they fit me in.  I suppose being a regular at the clinic and knowing the nurses and ultrasound tech well does have some benefits.  The missing piece will be the insurance authorization.  If that comes in quickly, I could start the Lupron in less than two weeks. Then Gonal-F again.   I forgot to ask about the scary PIO shots that I've heard so much about.  I haven't had to take progesterone in any of my other cycles -- is that standard in IVF?  A sane person would have remembered to ask the doctor. 
If the insurance doesn't come through right away, we'll wait to the next cycle.  While part of me wants to wait and continue with this break, the other part of me realizes that I'm in an unmedicated cycle right now, and that could end up being close to two months.  It seems like a waste and I'm not getting any younger, right? 
In other news, I had a blood draw this morning for one final test.  The tech actually gave me the it-will-happen-when-you-relax speech.  Really?  Thanks, lady.  I'll give her the benefit of the doubt because I think they pulled her in from another lab and she normally doesn't handle the IVF patients, but c'mon.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Checking In

Things are still going well for me.  RE appointment in the morning so I'm starting to get a bit stressed about that.   I've been doing more reading about IVF and it all seems so overwhelming.  It makes me want to break out the OPK and try during this unmedicated cycle (as-if) on the off-chance we get a miracle and can avoid this next step.  I know that is useless though.  
On Saturday we had lunch with some old college friends whom we had not seen since they had their baby a year ago.  The wife is very enthusiastic about everything - and I know she had the best intentions and didn't know what we've been through - but she spent the WHOLE afternoon talking about how wonderful parenthood is, how complete and fulfilled she felt, how we had to do it....I tried to dodge the issue with the generic "we're thinking about it" response  - and she still pushed.  She even asked if we were going to start trying this month.  Wha???  Then she was asking if I was pregnant now and just not telling yet....  and how she knows that waiting until three months is typical, but she didn't feel like you had to do that.   I wanted to tell her I'd be sure to give her a call when I get my next positive and also for the next D&C.
It was so frustrating.   Again - I really do think she meant well, but it made for a very long afternoon.  I need to come up with a better response.  I just was quiet and agreed with what she said, I didn't have it in me to engage.
I was never so happy to get to my yoga class as I was that afternoon.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Feeling better

I let myself wallow a bit and now I'm getting back to normal.  I decided to go ahead and do the yoga series -- it will be a challenge, but I think that I really need to prove to myself that I can do it.  And I think it's the perfect time to get my body and mind in a better place for what will probably be our IVF cycle later this spring.  I'll know more on that front when I meet with the doctor next week.   Last night was our first group session and one of the questions was about setting our intentions for the next forty days.  I had a laundry list of course, but I think the one that sums it up for me is that I want this to be about focusing on what my body CAN do, instead of what it CAN'T.   We'll see how that works out.   I'm not usually good at sharing my feelings - even this anonymous blog was a big step - but I'm going to try to make the most of this.
So that's that.   Something else to focus on for the next month for some work/life balance and giving my body a break from the meds, blood draws, and ultrasounds. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


Negative again.  AF today.  I suppose I should be glad I saved myself a trip to the clinic for blood work.  And judging by my 4:30am breakdown, I'm glad I didn't get the call tomorrow at work.  The worst part? Telling my husband.  He's incredibly sweet and said all the right things, but I know that this is my fault. It's my body doing this. He should already be a dad by now, and I know he would be a great one.  I'm just not supposed to be the mom. 
I'm just...sad.  And tired - very, very tired. 
I had told myself that if it was negative I'd sign up for the 40 Day Yoga program at my studio.  But I've decided against it. I can't fail at something else right now - I just can't.  WTF meeting with my RE next week.  He's already said that IVF would be the next step.  I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to do it. (See above re: failing.) 

Monday, March 7, 2011

Almost there

I still haven't caved with a home test and am eagerly awaiting  my blood draw on Wednesday morning. Still tired.  Skin completely broken out. (joy!).  Lots of cramping on Friday, which decreased over the weekend. Craving sugar - usually a PMS symptom for me.   No idea what to think.
Our weekend was nice - lots of driving from state to state and filled with family.  My new(ish) niece is gorgeous, of course.  And my older niece is a spunky and fun as ever.   Sunday was spent with hubs' family, lots of little boys running around and getting into trouble.   It's hard not to wonder if we'll ever get to add our own kid to the mix.  I just hope that we do before all the other cousins get too much older. 

Friday, March 4, 2011

One week down

Five more days to go until B-day.  I'm in the usual alternating phases of "this had to have worked, everything was lined up so perfectly" to "no way, I'm not feeling anything - this didn't work.".
No symptoms to speak of, at least none that can't be explained by other causes.  (Sure I'm exhausted, but I'm also working really long days.)  We have a busy weekend ahead of us so that should make the time pass fairly quickly.   I'm still sticking to my plan of NOT testing at home.
I was talking to my husband last night about how I feel like I've been in a fog for the past year.  My sister sent around a picture of my niece who turned six months old yesterday.  (She has an older daughter, and my brother has a daughter and a son. Their ages range from 6-4.)  I have yet to meet her in person.  Granted, they live six hours away and our holiday plans were changed because of weather, but still - I should be making more of an effort.  I haven't shared any of our TTC drama with my family - so they probably just think I'm selfish and self-absorbed.  Ah well.   My first pregnancy was about three months behind my sister's.  I had visions of us being pregnant together on our summer vacation, sharing newborn experiences, having our little ones grow up together.  Instead, I was in bed recovering from my D&C when she sent around her "It's a girl" ultrasound pictures.  I was pretend-sipping drinks on our summer vacation post-IUI.  Making excuses for not traveling to see them after she was born, as I was going through another doomed pregnancy.    I never really felt like I was avoiding it, but I suppose deep down I was.  Enough is enough -  I'll be seeing them this weekend,  and I'm looking forward.  I think.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


8 days until beta-day.  I've decided not to test at home this time.  It can't change the outcome and ignorance is bliss at this point.  Remind me that I've said this when I'm climbing the walls next week.   The last few days have been fine - honestly, I've been so busy that I haven't had much time to dwell.  I think that's been a good thing.  Nothing out of the ordinary in terms of cramping, etc.  I was worried Friday evening because I was so uncomfortable and  so bloated - I was sure it was OHSS.  I think I made a mistake by going back to work after the procedure - by the end of the day it hurt to stand up straight and walk.  Next time (because surely this won't work and there will be a next time), I'll plan to take the day.  I spent Friday evening off my feet and by Saturday morning the cramping was gone and I weighed three pounds less.  I think I'm in the clear.  Nothing exciting to report otherwise -- work has been a nightmare and there isn't any end in sight.  I've been at my job for 12 years and I'm good at what I do, but I'd love to switch gears and look for something else in my industry.  Unfortunately, I'm prisoner to my seniority and my benefits.  (I realize that a steady job and good benefits are a nice problem to have - don't think I don't appreciate it!)  

Friday, February 25, 2011

And now we wait.

The deed is done, and now we begin the dreaded two-week wait.  I'm glad that we went ahead, although I did have some moments of panic earlier in the week because of the greater chance of multiples.  Twins would be wonderful - quints, not so much.  My doctor managed to calm our fears with a reassuring phone call.  I won't even try to take you through the inner turmoil - because I'll just sound insane.  Such is the life of an infertile, right? 
Now is the time when I start considering everything to be a "sign" sometimes good, and sometimes bad.  Today is my husband's birthday - it's a good sign!  It's raining and miserable today - bad sign.  When my alarm went off this morning, they were playing a commercial for the hospital affiliated with my clinic - it's a good sign!  The nurse that did my IUI is one that I don't particularly care for - bad sign.  But the procedure went really well, which isn't always the case -- good sign!
It's going to be a long two weeks.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

False Alarm

No IVF.  The doctor gave me three options, allow me to paraphrase:  - best, in his opinion: trigger tonight, IUI on Friday - higher chance of multiples but with my history chances are good my eggs will be crap so they wouldn't all be viable anyway.  Maybe we'll get one!  Or, maybe I'll get a show on TLC!  Or maybe I'll have a major moral dilemma that I don't want to consider right now.   Option 2: convert to IVF- although I have a lot of follicles, he doesn't think there is enough to make it worth it, he'd want to have better control of the whole process from the beginning.  Option 3: Cancel.  He doesn't think that's a good idea either, because why waste a good cycle (see history of crap eggs, miscarriages, getting older, etc....)
So....I'm going with his recommendation and we're giving the IUI one last shot.  If this one doesn't work, it looks like IVF is our only option.   And, if I've learned one thing over the last few days - and based on how disappointed I'm feeling right now, I guess I'm willing to take that step.

Of course, there is always the option that THIS will be the cycle, but I'm not feeling it.


I went for monitoring and blood again this morning.  At my practice, a nurse will call you the afternoon to give you the instructions for moving forward.  The nurses tend to do everything and I very rarely talk to my doctor except for the occasional WTF meeting.  (And of course, they did call him in for my ultrasounds confirming my miscarriages.)   So this afternoon, I get a voicemail from THE DOCTOR himself to call him back -- I think that means we're converting???   Of course, I can't reach him now and am waiting for him to call me back.  I think I'm going to jump out of my skin. (Patience has never been my strong suit.)
Please let this all be happening for a reason!

Monday, February 21, 2011


My first ICLW - Welcome! Although my blog is new, I've been lurking in this community for a year now.  My husband and I have been trying for over two years - two miscarriages in 2010, but we're hoping that 2011 is our year.  I'm in the middle of a Gonal-F/Ovidrel cycle right now (CD11).  Monitoring this morning was showing the same slow and steady progress and lots of follicles--the nurse brought up the possibility of converting to an IVF cycle, depending on my blood work. Wow.  When I first went off the pill, we decided that we would just "see what happens" - I distinctly remember the conversation - and me stating that I didn't want to be obsessing, and doing things like taking my temperature each morning.  Ah - the old me -- so young, so naive.   Right now I'm just waiting for the call before I put much thought into it either way, but I'm finding myself already considering this to be "a sign". I wasn't sure if I'd ever want to take the IVF step - but if this could be it, how can I not take the chance?

Saturday, February 19, 2011

CD Whatever

Ok, it's CD10.  I'm feeling pretty blah about everything, but I haven't completely lost my head.  Monitoring this morning....lining looks good, steady follicle growth.  I'm keeping everything crossed that we can do the IUI on Monday.  Tuesday and Wednesday are meetings/training for a big company project kick-off and I have no idea how I'd get out of them.  I'll do what I need to do, but it won't be pretty.  It doesn't help that the only other person from my department on the team is my nemesis (at least in my mind, I don't even know if she realizes it.)    zen, zen, zen.  Work isn't a happy place lately.

I'm already thinking ahead to the inevitable negative (or positive that will bring on another mc) and what to do next.   I've been struggling a lot with feelings that I've been wasting my life (mid life crisis at 33??).  I don't mean dropping everything to join the peace corps or backpack through the rain forest -- I'm not going to lie, I enjoy things like comfortable beds and indoor plumbing.   But I have a wonderful husband, we live in a great city, we work hard and make a nice living but we aren't making the most of it.  So many things that I haven't done - or that I talk about doing, but never follow through.  I'm the girl who decides to learn to knit, takes a class, buys tons of supplies, completes one hat, and then drops the hobby.   It's time to live a little - dim sum in Chinatown, buy a pass for the upcoming film festival and spend three days watching indie movies, 40 day yoga challenge, get a massage, learn to play drums.....

meh.  If you've stuck with my rambling this far - I appreciate it.  I'll try to step up the sunshine in my next post!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


All is well so far - next u/s on Saturday morning.  I'm a little worried that we're going to be forced to cancel if we wait (earliest potential IUI would be Monday) but I know I just need to trust my RE's office.  It's not as if they are new to this.  Exciting to see some new BFPs out there -- and I'm eagerly awaiting being able to move a few of you from my "Pregnant" to "Baby" lists.    I love reading all of your updates and will continue to no matter what - even if I'll never meet you in person.   But do I have the same patience for those around me in real life? Hell no.  I recently blocked a relative in faceb.ook and unsubscribed from her blog and twi.tter feeds because she has done nothing but talk about babies, baby gear, and post pictures of her ulstrasound since her big reveal last week.  She's a "radio personality", so I think she's just lacking the privacy gene that the rest of us have -- but enough is enough.  The first time I've blocked someone - and if felt GOOD.  

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


A few days in and already feeling like a bad blogger. Thank you for the nice comments so far.  I started another round of injectibles on Friday and go for a blood draw and ultrasound in the morning.  On top of that, I've been sick and out of the office for two days.  That means it will be extra interesting trying to stay under the radar as I sneak off to the doctor and work in an IUI.  I suppose by now I should be a pro!  

As far as my mental state - I'm just flat out tired.  It's not that I don't want to come through all of this with a baby in my arms - I absolutely do.  But when I think back to the last year, I feel like I lost a year of my life to this and I'm starting in exactly the same spot.   A few pounds heavier and a lot more cynical.  My first miscarriage was hard - no heartbeat at the second ultrasound.  We got our BFP after our first IUI and I thought for sure we were in the clear.   Several months later, we got another BFP after our first try with Gonal-F.  But from the beginning the betas were low, and I tried to have zero expectations.  That was in November.  Then came the weeks of waiting for the negative beta to let us start again. And here we are... I'm just as afraid of a positive as I am of a negative.  I can't really see a different outcome.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Joining the conversation

Today I'm taking the big step to de-lurk and finally offiically join this community.  You've all been an amazing resource to me over the year and a half and have gotten me through five clomid cycles, one injectible, four IUIs, two miscarriages, two D&Cs.  But who's counting?  
I might not have a lot to say, but at least I'll have a place to say it.