A few days in and already feeling like a bad blogger. Thank you for the nice comments so far. I started another round of injectibles on Friday and go for a blood draw and ultrasound in the morning. On top of that, I've been sick and out of the office for two days. That means it will be extra interesting trying to stay under the radar as I sneak off to the doctor and work in an IUI. I suppose by now I should be a pro!
As far as my mental state - I'm just flat out tired. It's not that I don't want to come through all of this with a baby in my arms - I absolutely do. But when I think back to the last year, I feel like I lost a year of my life to this and I'm starting in exactly the same spot. A few pounds heavier and a lot more cynical. My first miscarriage was hard - no heartbeat at the second ultrasound. We got our BFP after our first IUI and I thought for sure we were in the clear. Several months later, we got another BFP after our first try with Gonal-F. But from the beginning the betas were low, and I tried to have zero expectations. That was in November. Then came the weeks of waiting for the negative beta to let us start again. And here we are... I'm just as afraid of a positive as I am of a negative. I can't really see a different outcome.
I hate the feeling of not having joy with a positive... you just wait for theo other shoe to drop, and that sucks big time!
ReplyDeleteHey, thanks for your comment on my blog, and welcome to the blosphere :)
ReplyDeleteI too went through two miscarriages last year, and this is our first cycle trying again after recovering. I completely understand how you're feeling. It's a hard emotion to explain...of course a positive would be amazing, but it opens the door to absolute terror at the same time...
Hang in there. Thinking of you...