Trigger

We're moving ahead -- triggered last night, retrieval schedule for bright and early tomorrow morning.  I had a tough weekend with my hometown visit cut short by the need to go back in for unexpected blood work.  I'm tired of making up excuses and canceling plans and pissing people off who don't know that it's for a good reason.  But I also don't like talking about this -- I'm never good with sharing people just don't understand it.  I visited with newly pregnant friend #1 - and it was harder than I thought.  Bitter infertile trying to put on a happy face while innocent preggo thinks about light-hearted things like maternity clothes and hoping she has a girl.  All I could think about was that if I'm ever in her shoes (10 weeks)- all I will be thinking about is making it to the next ultrasound.  Is my baby still alive? And how could she be buying maternity clothes already, doesn't she know this isn't a guarantee? (of course I was NOT saying any of this out loud.)
 I know that isn't healthy, but that's my reality.   And from her perspective, she doesn't understand why we don't just pursue adoption.   And when she announced that she was going to come visit for a long weekend in October, I was a little apprehensive but knew that it would be nice for us to have some time together.  Then she dropped the bomb that she'd be bringing her boyfriend (whom I haven't met) so we could all get to know each other, and they had other friends to visit in my area, and she wanted to go to a special baby store....blah, blah....  Um, Hell No.   I told her that I'd have to let her know and that I just don't know what kind of a place I'll be in - even if the cycle works, it will be still so early I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop.   She's really a good person, but all of this is so foreign to her - and since we don't live near each other she doesn't really know what I've been going through.
So I got back home early Sunday morning and spent the rest of the day on the couch catching up with nonsense TV, and crying off and on.  I'm not proud, but I think it was necessary.
OK, enough of that.  Need to focus on happier things today and getting my head into a better place for tomorrow.  I realize that every time I blog, I whine -- that wasn't my intent, I swear!   Thanks to those of you who have stuck with me - I'll try to be better about writing.