Going about my business

Just a quick "I'm still alive" post. We've had house guests and will have family in town for the next couple of weeks so I've been busy.  Nothing to report on the TTC front since we are waiting for some genetic test results, but I think the dr still wanted to start the cycle before the results are in since the initial protocol wouldn't change.  Since I have zero idea of when CD1 will occur, I'm not sure if we'll have to wait, or if I'll go straight to the pill like last time.   I've been putting off calling in for a plan, but I'll have to get myself in gear because we have some family plans in late August / early September that we'll have to try our best to work around.  We did get insurance approval for two more cycles - I don't know if I have it in me to do two more - but we'll see what happens.  Physically, the whole process was much easier than I thought.  But the ups and downs are so tough mentally. I'm feeling so much better after just a couple of weeks of no meds (except for the trusty met.formin) and not going back and forth to the hospital for blood tests!   So, I'm taking this time to try to adjust my diet a bit, even though my blood sugar levels were in the normal range.   I know that I'd see better results with more drastic changes like completely cutting carbs or dropping dairy, but I'm going slow and steady and trying to be better about combinations and increasing protein.
That's it for now - nothing exciting, just taking it day by day and trying to enjoy summer a bit.

I get it universe, pt 2.

Beta #1 - 24, Beta #2 - 6.  So officially another loss and it looks like a very short stay in beta hell for once.  I have a follow up meeting with my doctor on Monday morning.  I'm very interested in what he's going to suggest.  I know his miscarriage speech, but I'm curious if he's still confident that we can do this with my (apparently) crappy eggs.  Or if there is something else going on and my body just won't sustain a pregnancy.   I'm trying to let go and focus on the positives - or slightly less negatives -- about my situation.
There has been some awful, awful news out in blogland this week and my heart is breaking for these ladies.  It puts this loss in perspective.  So many people are dealing with so much more, I hardly have the right to complain.  I'm sad, but glad that this happened quickly if it was going to happen at all.  My wedding anniversary was this week and I'm happy to have my husband at my side through all of this -- I want more than anything to make him a father, but I know that we'll make it regardless of what happens.  
 I ended up confessing to my boss this week because she flat out asked me what was going on - she could tell something was up and she was concerned. I was so worn out I didn't have it in me to try to make up any more excuses.   She was incredibly supportive and I do think that will make it easier if we do pursue more treatments.  She also suggested that I might be too stressed and we should relax and go away more, and by the way adoption is a wonderful choice..... sigh.  But her heart was in the right place.  She even said she'd support a leave of absence if that's what it took.  I don't really want to do that, but I hope she remembers that if we ever get a take home baby - I'm going to want to stretch that maternity leave as much as I possibly can.   And so I'll move forward - throw myself into gardening this weekend, drink some good wine and focus on getting our house ready in light of my in-law's sudden "We're coming into town on June 22nd and staying with you for a week" announcement.   Ugh.

I get it, universe.

Warning: I'm wallowing, this isn't pretty.  But this is the only space I have to let it out - so that's what I'm doing.  If you're one of the lucky ones who got their good news already - please know that I really am happy for you - I'm just in a tough spot right now.

The bleeding picked up, so now I'm just waiting for the beta(s) to confirm what I already know.  I'm assuming it's chemical.  Haven't had one of those yet, so why not - right?  The tech who drew my blood? pregnant.  The cashier in my cafeteria? very pregnant.   The spider that lives in the corner of my bathroom ceiling?  egg sac.  I'm not kidding - that's how absurd my life has become.   (memo to self - must remove the spider immediately).
I'm not really sure what we'll do next.  At this point, I'm just hoping to make it through the workday without breaking down. There are a lot of thoughts swirling around my head, but no plan.  I'll be 34 in August.  We had nothing to freeze, so we'd need to start the whole process again.  My life has been revolving around this for years.  My husband might not be a father because of me - I think that's the hardest thing for me to accept. 

Longest day ever

Well, after my optimistic start to the day - mother nature decided to step in and send me back to reality.  I've had pretty intense cramps and bleeding/spotting all day today.  Even though I know there is nothing I can do, I left work so I could at least be laying down this afternoon.   I took another test and the line is even lighter than yesterday.  I KNOW that it's not ideal to test in the afternoon, and I KNOW that the blood test is what will really tell us what's going on - but I still feel like this is slipping away.  Ironically, I never had any cramping or bleeding with either of my last miscarriages - it was the ultrasounds that gave us the final answer.  But last time I had low betas that never quite doubled, and we were in limbo until the ultrasound at the seven week mark.  (Delayed because of a planned vacation - Dis.ney with 10 members of your extended family pretending that nothing is amiss, but treating your body like you were pregant even though you are pretty sure that the pregnancy is doomed? Not fun.) 
 But I digress - after the procedure, it still was a good six weeks until I got a negative beta. 
I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this if it happens again.   I guess I'll just take it as it comes.

I gave in

I tried to hold out to beta day, but I couldn't do it.  I POAS yesterday, at 10dp3dt.  Sorry, not picture -- but you'll have to take my word for it that we got the faint second line.  I've been here before so I know this is only the first step in a number of hurdles.  I had a whole post planned about how infertility and loss takes the joy out of these events.  But when I check my reader this morning, the first post that came up was from Lady Pumpkin -- and I realized that I need to follow her lead and say "Today I get to be pregnant."
I'm still in the game and I'm pretty happy.

No pressure, little ones.

I found out today that none of our other embryos made it to freeze.  I'm not entirely surprised, since the doctor didn't sound to enthusiastic on transfer day, but I'm still sad about it.  So - I'm putting my eggs all in one basket (see what I did there?) -- but it's hard to stay positive.    I know I can't rely on "symptoms" especially since we're only at day 6, but if you asked me today - I'd say there is no chance.  I'm getting all my usual pms symptoms - giant unsightly blemishes? check.  Extreme hunger, particularly for salty snacks? check.  bloat? check.  mood swings? CHECK. 
I so want this to be it, but I'm just not feeling very positive.

I'm telling myself that the silence lately is because of the evil commenting issues, but if you are reading this - I'd love it if you'd send some good vibes my way.  I'm needing them today.    Know that I'm thinking of all of you too!