And now we wait.

The deed is done, and now we begin the dreaded two-week wait.  I'm glad that we went ahead, although I did have some moments of panic earlier in the week because of the greater chance of multiples.  Twins would be wonderful - quints, not so much.  My doctor managed to calm our fears with a reassuring phone call.  I won't even try to take you through the inner turmoil - because I'll just sound insane.  Such is the life of an infertile, right? 
Now is the time when I start considering everything to be a "sign" sometimes good, and sometimes bad.  Today is my husband's birthday - it's a good sign!  It's raining and miserable today - bad sign.  When my alarm went off this morning, they were playing a commercial for the hospital affiliated with my clinic - it's a good sign!  The nurse that did my IUI is one that I don't particularly care for - bad sign.  But the procedure went really well, which isn't always the case -- good sign!
It's going to be a long two weeks.

False Alarm

No IVF.  The doctor gave me three options, allow me to paraphrase:  - best, in his opinion: trigger tonight, IUI on Friday - higher chance of multiples but with my history chances are good my eggs will be crap so they wouldn't all be viable anyway.  Maybe we'll get one!  Or, maybe I'll get a show on TLC!  Or maybe I'll have a major moral dilemma that I don't want to consider right now.   Option 2: convert to IVF- although I have a lot of follicles, he doesn't think there is enough to make it worth it, he'd want to have better control of the whole process from the beginning.  Option 3: Cancel.  He doesn't think that's a good idea either, because why waste a good cycle (see history of crap eggs, miscarriages, getting older, etc....)
So....I'm going with his recommendation and we're giving the IUI one last shot.  If this one doesn't work, it looks like IVF is our only option.   And, if I've learned one thing over the last few days - and based on how disappointed I'm feeling right now, I guess I'm willing to take that step.

Of course, there is always the option that THIS will be the cycle, but I'm not feeling it.

Antsy

I went for monitoring and blood again this morning.  At my practice, a nurse will call you the afternoon to give you the instructions for moving forward.  The nurses tend to do everything and I very rarely talk to my doctor except for the occasional WTF meeting.  (And of course, they did call him in for my ultrasounds confirming my miscarriages.)   So this afternoon, I get a voicemail from THE DOCTOR himself to call him back -- I think that means we're converting???   Of course, I can't reach him now and am waiting for him to call me back.  I think I'm going to jump out of my skin. (Patience has never been my strong suit.)
Please let this all be happening for a reason!

ICLW!

My first ICLW - Welcome! Although my blog is new, I've been lurking in this community for a year now.  My husband and I have been trying for over two years - two miscarriages in 2010, but we're hoping that 2011 is our year.  I'm in the middle of a Gonal-F/Ovidrel cycle right now (CD11).  Monitoring this morning was showing the same slow and steady progress and lots of follicles--the nurse brought up the possibility of converting to an IVF cycle, depending on my blood work. Wow.  When I first went off the pill, we decided that we would just "see what happens" - I distinctly remember the conversation - and me stating that I didn't want to be obsessing, and doing things like taking my temperature each morning.  Ah - the old me -- so young, so naive.   Right now I'm just waiting for the call before I put much thought into it either way, but I'm finding myself already considering this to be "a sign". I wasn't sure if I'd ever want to take the IVF step - but if this could be it, how can I not take the chance?

CD Whatever

Ok, it's CD10.  I'm feeling pretty blah about everything, but I haven't completely lost my head.  Monitoring this morning....lining looks good, steady follicle growth.  I'm keeping everything crossed that we can do the IUI on Monday.  Tuesday and Wednesday are meetings/training for a big company project kick-off and I have no idea how I'd get out of them.  I'll do what I need to do, but it won't be pretty.  It doesn't help that the only other person from my department on the team is my nemesis (at least in my mind, I don't even know if she realizes it.)    zen, zen, zen.  Work isn't a happy place lately.

I'm already thinking ahead to the inevitable negative (or positive that will bring on another mc) and what to do next.   I've been struggling a lot with feelings that I've been wasting my life (mid life crisis at 33??).  I don't mean dropping everything to join the peace corps or backpack through the rain forest -- I'm not going to lie, I enjoy things like comfortable beds and indoor plumbing.   But I have a wonderful husband, we live in a great city, we work hard and make a nice living but we aren't making the most of it.  So many things that I haven't done - or that I talk about doing, but never follow through.  I'm the girl who decides to learn to knit, takes a class, buys tons of supplies, completes one hat, and then drops the hobby.   It's time to live a little - dim sum in Chinatown, buy a pass for the upcoming film festival and spend three days watching indie movies, 40 day yoga challenge, get a massage, learn to play drums.....

meh.  If you've stuck with my rambling this far - I appreciate it.  I'll try to step up the sunshine in my next post!

CD7

All is well so far - next u/s on Saturday morning.  I'm a little worried that we're going to be forced to cancel if we wait (earliest potential IUI would be Monday) but I know I just need to trust my RE's office.  It's not as if they are new to this.  Exciting to see some new BFPs out there -- and I'm eagerly awaiting being able to move a few of you from my "Pregnant" to "Baby" lists.    I love reading all of your updates and will continue to no matter what - even if I'll never meet you in person.   But do I have the same patience for those around me in real life? Hell no.  I recently blocked a relative in faceb.ook and unsubscribed from her blog and twi.tter feeds because she has done nothing but talk about babies, baby gear, and post pictures of her ulstrasound since her big reveal last week.  She's a "radio personality", so I think she's just lacking the privacy gene that the rest of us have -- but enough is enough.  The first time I've blocked someone - and if felt GOOD.  

CD6

A few days in and already feeling like a bad blogger. Thank you for the nice comments so far.  I started another round of injectibles on Friday and go for a blood draw and ultrasound in the morning.  On top of that, I've been sick and out of the office for two days.  That means it will be extra interesting trying to stay under the radar as I sneak off to the doctor and work in an IUI.  I suppose by now I should be a pro!  

As far as my mental state - I'm just flat out tired.  It's not that I don't want to come through all of this with a baby in my arms - I absolutely do.  But when I think back to the last year, I feel like I lost a year of my life to this and I'm starting in exactly the same spot.   A few pounds heavier and a lot more cynical.  My first miscarriage was hard - no heartbeat at the second ultrasound.  We got our BFP after our first IUI and I thought for sure we were in the clear.   Several months later, we got another BFP after our first try with Gonal-F.  But from the beginning the betas were low, and I tried to have zero expectations.  That was in November.  Then came the weeks of waiting for the negative beta to let us start again. And here we are... I'm just as afraid of a positive as I am of a negative.  I can't really see a different outcome.

Joining the conversation

Today I'm taking the big step to de-lurk and finally offiically join this community.  You've all been an amazing resource to me over the year and a half and have gotten me through five clomid cycles, one injectible, four IUIs, two miscarriages, two D&Cs.  But who's counting?  
I might not have a lot to say, but at least I'll have a place to say it.