Ho hum.

I've been quiet because I haven't had much to say.  On the TTC front, we're waiting for the RE's office to get insurance approval for us to start with IVF.  It's been a week since we finished all of our testing, so I'm hoping to hear any day.   I'm pretty sure that we're going to have to wait until my next cycle unless we hear TODAY, but I'm ok with that.   I just hope this cycle doesn't drag out.  One never knows....
Otherwise, things are just chugging along. I've barely been home lately, between work and rushing to fit in a yoga class to meet my 40 day challenge - it's a nice distraction and I love how I feel with regular exercise. The scale isn't budging, but I'm trying not to focus on that.  
A co-worker announced his wife's pregnancy this week.  They decided it was time for second, and *bam* conception.  That's how it is supposed to work right?  Of course my boss told me before he made it public - big mouth! And instantly went into all the reasons she doesn't think it's a good idea.   My job is doomed if I ever get pregnant. I've accepted that.  You'd expect more support from someone who raised two kids while working, but I think that makes her less sympathetic.  It's strange. 

Next stop: IVF

My appointment yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind, which is usually the case.  I envy you ladies who always remember your questions and know all the details - because my mind goes blank when I'm talking to the doctor and I just agree with everything he says.  As suspected, he's recommending IVF and it could start this cycle!  I'm at day 10 now, and had most of the blood work done last week when I went in for my mandatory beta.  Permissions have all been signed.  Husband has to do another SA today and I ended up with an unexpected sonohysterogram at the end of my appointment.  (My first one - not fun, but one million times better than my HSG.) All for insurance requirements, and I was there already so they fit me in.  I suppose being a regular at the clinic and knowing the nurses and ultrasound tech well does have some benefits.  The missing piece will be the insurance authorization.  If that comes in quickly, I could start the Lupron in less than two weeks. Then Gonal-F again.   I forgot to ask about the scary PIO shots that I've heard so much about.  I haven't had to take progesterone in any of my other cycles -- is that standard in IVF?  A sane person would have remembered to ask the doctor. 
If the insurance doesn't come through right away, we'll wait to the next cycle.  While part of me wants to wait and continue with this break, the other part of me realizes that I'm in an unmedicated cycle right now, and that could end up being close to two months.  It seems like a waste and I'm not getting any younger, right? 
In other news, I had a blood draw this morning for one final test.  The tech actually gave me the it-will-happen-when-you-relax speech.  Really?  Thanks, lady.  I'll give her the benefit of the doubt because I think they pulled her in from another lab and she normally doesn't handle the IVF patients, but c'mon.

Checking In

Things are still going well for me.  RE appointment in the morning so I'm starting to get a bit stressed about that.   I've been doing more reading about IVF and it all seems so overwhelming.  It makes me want to break out the OPK and try during this unmedicated cycle (as-if) on the off-chance we get a miracle and can avoid this next step.  I know that is useless though.  
On Saturday we had lunch with some old college friends whom we had not seen since they had their baby a year ago.  The wife is very enthusiastic about everything - and I know she had the best intentions and didn't know what we've been through - but she spent the WHOLE afternoon talking about how wonderful parenthood is, how complete and fulfilled she felt, how we had to do it....I tried to dodge the issue with the generic "we're thinking about it" response  - and she still pushed.  She even asked if we were going to start trying this month.  Wha???  Then she was asking if I was pregnant now and just not telling yet....  and how she knows that waiting until three months is typical, but she didn't feel like you had to do that.   I wanted to tell her I'd be sure to give her a call when I get my next positive and also for the next D&C.
It was so frustrating.   Again - I really do think she meant well, but it made for a very long afternoon.  I need to come up with a better response.  I just was quiet and agreed with what she said, I didn't have it in me to engage.
I was never so happy to get to my yoga class as I was that afternoon.

Feeling better

I let myself wallow a bit and now I'm getting back to normal.  I decided to go ahead and do the yoga series -- it will be a challenge, but I think that I really need to prove to myself that I can do it.  And I think it's the perfect time to get my body and mind in a better place for what will probably be our IVF cycle later this spring.  I'll know more on that front when I meet with the doctor next week.   Last night was our first group session and one of the questions was about setting our intentions for the next forty days.  I had a laundry list of course, but I think the one that sums it up for me is that I want this to be about focusing on what my body CAN do, instead of what it CAN'T.   We'll see how that works out.   I'm not usually good at sharing my feelings - even this anonymous blog was a big step - but I'm going to try to make the most of this.
So that's that.   Something else to focus on for the next month for some work/life balance and giving my body a break from the meds, blood draws, and ultrasounds. 

Nope.

Negative again.  AF today.  I suppose I should be glad I saved myself a trip to the clinic for blood work.  And judging by my 4:30am breakdown, I'm glad I didn't get the call tomorrow at work.  The worst part? Telling my husband.  He's incredibly sweet and said all the right things, but I know that this is my fault. It's my body doing this. He should already be a dad by now, and I know he would be a great one.  I'm just not supposed to be the mom. 
I'm just...sad.  And tired - very, very tired. 
I had told myself that if it was negative I'd sign up for the 40 Day Yoga program at my studio.  But I've decided against it. I can't fail at something else right now - I just can't.  WTF meeting with my RE next week.  He's already said that IVF would be the next step.  I'm just not sure if I'm strong enough to do it. (See above re: failing.) 

Almost there

I still haven't caved with a home test and am eagerly awaiting  my blood draw on Wednesday morning. Still tired.  Skin completely broken out. (joy!).  Lots of cramping on Friday, which decreased over the weekend. Craving sugar - usually a PMS symptom for me.   No idea what to think.
Our weekend was nice - lots of driving from state to state and filled with family.  My new(ish) niece is gorgeous, of course.  And my older niece is a spunky and fun as ever.   Sunday was spent with hubs' family, lots of little boys running around and getting into trouble.   It's hard not to wonder if we'll ever get to add our own kid to the mix.  I just hope that we do before all the other cousins get too much older. 

One week down

Five more days to go until B-day.  I'm in the usual alternating phases of "this had to have worked, everything was lined up so perfectly" to "no way, I'm not feeling anything - this didn't work.".
No symptoms to speak of, at least none that can't be explained by other causes.  (Sure I'm exhausted, but I'm also working really long days.)  We have a busy weekend ahead of us so that should make the time pass fairly quickly.   I'm still sticking to my plan of NOT testing at home.
I was talking to my husband last night about how I feel like I've been in a fog for the past year.  My sister sent around a picture of my niece who turned six months old yesterday.  (She has an older daughter, and my brother has a daughter and a son. Their ages range from 6-4.)  I have yet to meet her in person.  Granted, they live six hours away and our holiday plans were changed because of weather, but still - I should be making more of an effort.  I haven't shared any of our TTC drama with my family - so they probably just think I'm selfish and self-absorbed.  Ah well.   My first pregnancy was about three months behind my sister's.  I had visions of us being pregnant together on our summer vacation, sharing newborn experiences, having our little ones grow up together.  Instead, I was in bed recovering from my D&C when she sent around her "It's a girl" ultrasound pictures.  I was pretend-sipping drinks on our summer vacation post-IUI.  Making excuses for not traveling to see them after she was born, as I was going through another doomed pregnancy.    I never really felt like I was avoiding it, but I suppose deep down I was.  Enough is enough -  I'll be seeing them this weekend,  and I'm looking forward.  I think.

zen

8 days until beta-day.  I've decided not to test at home this time.  It can't change the outcome and ignorance is bliss at this point.  Remind me that I've said this when I'm climbing the walls next week.   The last few days have been fine - honestly, I've been so busy that I haven't had much time to dwell.  I think that's been a good thing.  Nothing out of the ordinary in terms of cramping, etc.  I was worried Friday evening because I was so uncomfortable and  so bloated - I was sure it was OHSS.  I think I made a mistake by going back to work after the procedure - by the end of the day it hurt to stand up straight and walk.  Next time (because surely this won't work and there will be a next time), I'll plan to take the day.  I spent Friday evening off my feet and by Saturday morning the cramping was gone and I weighed three pounds less.  I think I'm in the clear.  Nothing exciting to report otherwise -- work has been a nightmare and there isn't any end in sight.  I've been at my job for 12 years and I'm good at what I do, but I'd love to switch gears and look for something else in my industry.  Unfortunately, I'm prisoner to my seniority and my benefits.  (I realize that a steady job and good benefits are a nice problem to have - don't think I don't appreciate it!)