Getting back in the game....

Why, hello there - if anyone is actually reading.   Dusting off the old blog as we prepare for our next phase.  We have an appt with our RE on Monday to see what he suggests as our next option.  Last time he mentioned that IVF was probably off the table and we should try IVM.   I'm not sure if I'll still qualify as I'll be 35 this summer.  (Yikes! How did that happen??)
Once we know what he recommends, we'll have to really sit down and map out what we are or aren't will to do -- more treatments, donor eggs, adoption, child-free....  I can see the positive and negative in every single one of those options.
We shall see....My cycles have not cooperated with a lack of medication (except for the trusty metformin).  Since Dec 8th, I had one 77 day cycle and now I'm on CD 44 with no end in sight.  I'm sure I'll get bloodwork on Monday so I'm curious to know if I've ovulated. 
The last few months have brought lots of BFPs and babies to my blog roll -- I'm genuinely happy for all of you who have made it to the other side, but I still can't help wonder if it will ever be my turn. 

New year

Hi all - I'm still here, and following you all but will probably be quiet in terms of posts.  We've decided to take a few months off, but haven't close the door completely to more treatments.  I'm very curious to see how my body deals with an unmedicated cycle (or cycles).  CD33 and nothing happening.  I've been half-heartedly using OPKs, but I bought the cheap ones - and I always struggle to read them. I *may* have ovulated around Jan 1, or I may still be waiting.  who knows.... 
I made a triumphant return to the gym yesterday so I'll be working to make that a habit again.  I mostly maintained my weight through all of this, but feel like a big pile of mush. I also know that a little exercise goes a long way for my mental state, which is more important than the scale. 
My brain knows that it's very very unlikely that I'll get pregnant on my own (or even with medical intervention), but in my heart there is this little tiny spark that hopes that maybe I'll get pregnant if I "just relax".... that can happen, right?
I'm also working to make some changes in my diet -- I want to do some research to see what could be best.  No dairy? Gluten-free?  Vegan?  High protein?   Does anyone out there have suggestions?

 

The end.

Officially negative yesterday.  I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm regretful.  I've done everything I was "supposed" to do in life and none of it really matters.  I feel like the more than three years I've given to this process were wasted.  Trips never taken, big decisions postponed, family and friends pushed away. 
All for nothing - ending up in the same place that we started, but emotionally wrecked.   I have more to say, but I'm lacking the energy to organize my thoughts.

Happy holidays to all.

BFN (unofficial)

Tested this morning at 10 days post transfer.  Just a single line on a pristine white background.  No hope.
Nothing hurts quite as much as a PIO shot that you know is pointless.  But I'll still do the last two and go for my official beta on Thursday to close out this cycle.
I think I'm done. The trouble is I'm not really sure how to go back to living my life without all of this.   

10dp2dt

I haven't broken down and tested yet, but I'll either test tonight or tomorrow morning.  I'm pretty confident that it's negative.  I was awake for about two hours last night staring at the ceiling and it really sunk in that this is likely our last chance.   We could potentially give IVM a try, but there is not guarantee that I'll be a good candidate.  I'm going to be 35 - we all know where that falls on the magical curve.
I know that I won't know for sure until beta (Thursday), but I'm close to calling this one.

5dp2dt

I haven't been blogging, but wanted to give a quick update.  We had our retrieval - 15 eggs, 12 fertilized.
We went with a day 2 transfer, and six embryos.  This sounds crazy, but only three were at the level they should be -- and nothing else made it to freeze.  So chances of getting a reality show are very very slim.
Hopefully, I still have a chance for a take home baby or two.
In general, things are ok.  I'm keeping busy, but also trying to keep my stress levels down.   We had a quiet holiday at home, I took a few days off from work on either end - and spent quality time on the couch catching up on reading and watching bad tv/movies.
Any symptoms I have right now, I'm attributing to the PIO.  The shots are not as bad as I thought.  I was told to use a 1 inch needle, which is slightly less scary.   I find that if I stand and lean slightly forward with all of my weight on the non-shot side, the pain is pretty minimal.  I don't ice ahead of time, but I massage the area with a heated washcloth for a few minutes after.   After a week, both hips are sore and starting to bruise but no painful knots.   
I don't have any tests at home and I haven't fully decided if I"ll test before beta day (Dec. 8th).  I'm leaning towards a home test because I hate getting the bad news at work.  We shall see.....  That's where I am.  Thanks for sticking with me!

Progress

Things are going well so far -- it looks like more eggs than normal, still on the small side.  I go back again tomorrow for monitoring.  My prediction is trigger Monday, retrieval Wednesday, and two day transfer on Friday.     In general, I'm feeling ok.  Bruising from the Meno.pur, these shots sting!  I'm still getting daily headaches, but nothing I can't handle. 
One thing I've noticed this round is that I am exceptionally spacey -- forgetting names, spelling errors, lack of conversational skills.  It's like a cruel joke- baby brain without baby.  I think it's partly because I just have too much going on all at once, but maybe it's the meds too.    I'm still getting acupuncture weekly, but because of the holiday next week, I won't be able to go to my practitioner for transfer.  I'm trying to decide if I should go to someone else for a single session.  I have recommendations, but I think the stress of finding someone else and getting myself there and back would be worse than delaying the procedure for a couple of days.  I'm probably going to skip it, and go on Monday.  But, part of me feels like I should make the effort because..what if?    Damn infertility, I used to be able to make decisions!